Heaven

I purchased a 'nifty fifty' last week and it was finally delivered on Thursday and today was the first real day I had with this lens.  It's a bit of an adjustment to shoot with a fixed lens, especially one in which autofocus does not at all work (after about 1000 photos, I had quite the headache- next time I will wear my contacts).  I have to sort through these photos for now, but for now, here's a picture of my joy.

I don't gamble, but if I did I would bet on us

Honey, can't you see? I was born to be your Dead Sea



You're the message I will heed it
Would you stay with me?
Would you stay the night?

(album version on repeat all day)

My Cardiac Muscle

my kitchen on this cloudy morning

Sometimes I feel like I was maybe designed a bit wrong, and that my tear ducts are connected directly to my heart.  I cry easier than just about anyone.  I cry from frustration, joy, and sadness.  Movies do it (even animated children's movies).  Certain albums on my iPod always get me.  Overwhelmingly, it's due to the terrible decision-making skills my heart seems to possess lately.

I live and die by my heart.  It's what led me to apply for a Swedish residency permit a mere three months after being with my Scandinavian boyfriend.  It's the reason why I find myself driving to Orange County nearly every weekend- I can't stand to be far from my family too long.  Even though I see them quite often, my heart aches when I have to say goodbye.

I always thought that once I matured a bit, it would start to dissolve.  It's never been that I don't have the ability to rationalize- I understand in so many ways why I shouldn't let something make me so upset.  However, although I can hear my own reasoning, my heart refuses to listen.  I'm stubborn in that way.  Now I'm beginning to see that it's just who I am, and that I need to make sure it doesn't let me get in my own way.
I struggle internally for it, but there are things I do appreciate about this quality in myself- I'm not one to have many regrets.  I don't have the patience for it- my heart demands it, especially when I have someone important at stake.

Alternatively, it does lead me to do pathetic things like listen to sad music first thing in the morning (today).  I war with myself in my head.  It drives me to push people, or to abandon them completely.  For so long, I've despised my over-sensitivity and emotional responses to things, but now I'm learning to embrace it.  Now I just need to teach myself how to put it to good use, and to be productive- to fight to have someone in my life.  Before, I was selfish and used this as a shield and I have some fierce anguish from that, but now I choose to let it drive me to do things that will probably break my heart all over again.  I'm really bad at letting go. Nonetheless, some people are always worth the risk.

Farrah

Farrah and me at the Del Mar races in 2009 (photo by Megan Beard)

Moving to a new city can feel really difficult at times.  Even though I'm not too far from my family in Orange County, not having the people I love the most around for day-to-day living can be really rough.  However, living in another country and everyone parting after college forces you to accept this reality, although it doesn't make it that much easier.  I'm lucky to have people who keep in touch with me despite the distance, people I know will be in my life forever.

Me and Farrah in Sweden, Spring 2011 (photo by Erin Nelson)

One of them is my dear friend Farrah Chini.  Today she really made me realize how blessed I am, as she spent over an hour and a half on the phone with me (something very few people take the time for nowadays).  No one can cheer me up quite like her, and she understands me in a way no one else does because of the parallels in our lives.  She was a total sweetheart to me today, building me up and listening to me gab on and on with inexplicable patience.  I don't think I've ever met someone who made me feel so good about simply being me.  Farrah is the kind of person you can always count on to be there for you, no matter what is going on in her own life.  She shares in both my joy and my suffering - her heart breaks for me when I'm in pain and I can't quite describe just how beautiful she is inside and out.  No one loves quite like her.  Over the years she's become more than a best friend, more than a roommate.  To me, she's family and I'm so blessed just to know her.

Me and Farrah in Sweden, Spring 2011 (photo by Erin Nelson)

The Strand

Keeping with my mission to visit a beach every weekend of Summer, I headed out to Redondo/Hermosa/Manhattan this week to soak in some sun and check out a venue that I'm using for a work party this week.  The venue is a members-only bar that my boss belongs to, which I think is kind of badass (but would never tell him that).  I don't have much to say other than that it was a really beautiful day and I enjoyed myself immensely- I biked along the strand for the first time and absolutely adored it.  I feel incredibly blessed to live in such a beautiful state, so close to the coast- I don't think I can bear to ever be too far from the beaches of sunny SoCal.  Why would I when all I need to be happy is sand, ocean, and beer?

reminded me of college

I know I'm a creeper, but I thought this was sweet/amusing

a restaurant or shop had some amazing succulents outside

the members-only 900 Club

Independence Day

I hadn't planned on seeing my family for Fourth of July festivities, as it falling on a Wednesday is especially inconvenient- the last thing I wanted to do was drive back to LA late at night with all the drunks on the road.  However, seeing that I spent the holiday in Sweden last year, I was feeling extra homesick and last-minute decided to go down to Orange County.  My sweet friend Franci agreed to also change her plans with me and meet my big, loud family.  My mom was so excited she kept calling while I was on the road, telling me to hurry up (hurry up! but drive safe!...speed! but don't speed!)- and had a drink in my hand before I even got out of the car!  Although I was exhausted the next morning, it was definitely worth it in order to be with family.  The whole gang was there: the Smiths, Diederichs, Coads, Melancons, Heidelmans, Millers and much more!  It was very comforting to walk into the house with everyone shouting my name and scrambling to give me hugs.  These people always make me feel so loved.

Shannon and Cheryl

Franci aka Rara

Cheryl, Kelly, Katherine, Pam, Lisa, my momma, and Carolyn

everyone was cheering about this aircraft and I don't know why

my brother Nico

the first of many attempts to capture a Heidelman family portrait

such cuties!

The Coads!

Cheryl, Kelly, Katherine, Pam, Lisa, my momma, and Carolyn

my sister Emily, my momma, Katherine, and Pam

I may have used candy as a bribe to get this one

my sister Emily, my momma, and my sister Stephanie

the Heidelmans <3

The Melancons: Mike, Andrew, Pam, and Rachel

The Smiths: Julie, Cheryl, Carissa, and Shannon

just before the firework show began

I (intentionally) took a ton of blurry pictures of fireworks

Hope you all had a happy and safe Fourth of July!