|Balcony view of Healdsburg, CA|
Something I find extraordinarily difficult at times is to maintain the feeling of contentment. I find myself happy, vastly blessed, and in love with my life, but feel that I could perhaps want just a bit more. I have trouble releasing my desires, envy, and regrets. In moments of introspection, I get hung up on how the outcome of relationships, friendships, and other life experiences might have been different (and rather more in my favor) if I had the perspective and sense to be different in my actions, behavior, and attitude.
This difficulty is easily coupled with another hard flaw of mine: living presently. I internalize every bit of heart ache, and something that was but a fleeting moment with nary a rational reason to remember, is something I play in my head over and over again. I wonder if perhaps I had made a different choice in one simple moment, I would not feel the regret I do today. Therefore, I live quite in the past instead of seeing all the beauty, blessings, and opportunity right in front of me. Instead of choosing contentment.
I calm my fears and insecurity by trying to tell myself that if one moment was the only chance I had to keep a person in my life - then they are certainly not worth it. Indeed, in the situation of it being some kind of experience I missed out on - than I must learn from it instead. Flawed, I most certainly am, but I also possess a handful of qualities that people would be fortunate to encounter if they let me into their lives. I would like to believe that in my growing as a person, they have enough worth for a person to tolerate my great flaws.
Furthermore, this meandering over-analyzing is another activity which keeps me from enjoying the present. I concern myself too much with not only the past, but of people's perceptions of me and my possibly paltry future prospects.
Basically, I'm a certain mess in my heart and my head, but I'm working on it which is a great reason for keeping this blog. I will not be quietly relegated to a life of mere survival, for it is not circumstance which breeds happiness, but attitude and perspective instead.