|my gorgeous view on my drive to LA on Saturday|
I want to be a more centered, calm, compassionate, kind person...but sometimes I wonder if I want to change because I want to make a good impression. I worry that in all this effort for change, if I'm losing a part of myself. I understand that I'm rather loud. I never run out of things to say. I blurt out too much personal information about myself. I'm maybe a little too honest. I expect way too much from people - especially my close friends and family. I often take the role of victim. I can be incredibly self aware but refuse to let my own rationality and good advice sink in. I take things too personally and I get too emotional. Is some of that something worth saving? Am I fighting my true nature or just finally growing up?
I'm striving for healthier relationships, to become more generous, to be a person of worth. I feel like I can't seek, and have no right to seek, the good relationships I want with people until I can become someone deserving of love. I want to give more than I receive, to support people without judgment, and make people happy. I want to be proud of who I am, not just what I've accomplished.
At the same time, I want to surround myself with people who like me for me, and don't mind the growing pains. People who not only play devil's advocate, or point out when I'm being a moron or a martyr but can see the good in me when I can't...it's hard because I feel like this is too much to ask at times. It's something that has to be earned, and it's hard to find people who have the patience for it, who will stop and take the time. Right now...it feels rather impossible.