Becoming Jane

I am quite aware that absolutely no one will care for this, so I am saving it only for myself - quotes that I am fond of from the movie Becoming Jane.  A re-watching of this film has made it clear that it is vital I read the novel it was based on.

Tom Lefroy: What value would there be in life, if we were not together?

Mr. Wisley: 'Yet' - such a sad word

Tom Lefroy: How can you, of all people, dispose of yourself without affection? 

Mr: Wisely: Sometimes affection is a shy flower that takes time to blossom. 

Tom Lefroy: I am yours. Heart and soul, I am yours. Much good that is.
Jane Austen: I will decide that. 

Tom Lefroy: No, I will never give you up...don't speak or think. Just love me. Do you love me?

Jane Austen: Yes, but if our love destroys your family, it will destoy itself

Tom Lefroy: No

Jane Austen: Yes, in a long slow degradation of guilt and regret and blame

Tom Lefroy: That is nonsense.

Jane Austen: Truth. Made from contradiction.  But it must come with a smile.  Or else I shall count it as false and we shall have had no love at all.

John Warren: And the famous Mrs. Radcliffe, is she as Gothic as her novels?
Jane Austen: Not in externals. But her internal landscape is, I suspect, quite picturesque.
Mr. Wisley: True of us all. 

Eliza De Feuillide: Flirting is a woman's trade, one must keep in practice 

I believe one reason I find myself drawn to the quotes in this movie is because it really makes you question how much you need for a relationship to work.  We'd all like to believe love is so simple - and truly, I used to be of the mind that it can conquer anything, but alas life has taught me otherwise.  Love only needs itself to exist, yet a relationship needs far more than love to survive.  Knowing this does not make that particular truth any easier to live with.

Struggling for Contentment

Balcony view of Healdsburg, CA

Something I find extraordinarily difficult at times is to maintain the feeling of contentment.  I find myself happy, vastly blessed, and in love with my life, but feel that I could perhaps want just a bit more.  I have trouble releasing my desires, envy, and regrets.  In moments of introspection, I get hung up on how the outcome of relationships, friendships, and other life experiences might have been different (and rather more in my favor) if I had the perspective and sense to be different in my actions, behavior, and attitude.

This difficulty is easily coupled with another hard flaw of mine: living presently.  I internalize every bit of heart ache, and something that was but a fleeting moment with nary a rational reason to remember, is something I play in my head over and over again.  I wonder if perhaps I had made a different choice in one simple moment, I would not feel the regret I do today.  Therefore, I live quite in the past instead of seeing all the beauty, blessings, and opportunity right in front of me.  Instead of choosing contentment.

I calm my fears and insecurity by trying to tell myself that if one moment was the only chance I had to keep a person in my life - then they are certainly not worth it.  Indeed, in the situation of it being some kind of experience I missed out on - than I must learn from it instead.  Flawed, I most certainly am, but I also possess a handful of qualities that people would be fortunate to encounter if they let me into their lives.  I would like to believe that in my growing as a person, they have enough worth for a person to tolerate my great flaws.

Furthermore, this meandering over-analyzing is another activity which keeps me from enjoying the present.  I concern myself too much with not only the past, but of people's perceptions of me and my possibly paltry future prospects.

Basically, I'm a certain mess in my heart and my head, but I'm working on it which is a great reason for keeping this blog.  I will not be quietly relegated to a life of mere survival, for it is not circumstance which breeds happiness, but attitude and perspective instead.

Rooftop Sunset

As I mentioned in my post last night - I had a lovely evening by myself, and (finally!) went up to the roof during the sunset (I wish I had stayed longer, but I forgot to bring up a glass of wine).  Lately I've been wishing I lived closer to the beach - it feels like home to me - but then I sit on the roof and wonder how I could ever leave this 1920's apartment.

my lovely view every day

palm trees and hills

I adore the ivy growing on my building

I love when it's clear enough to see the Hollywood sign

awesome rooftops on my street

me and my favorite possession on the roof (via iPhone app)

it's farther down than it looks

Twinkle Lights

my humble abode

Sometimes life is hard, but often times, it's wonderful.  I put up some twinkly lights on my brick wall, and my charming little studio apartment became a bit more magical (but really, a regular lamp is too harsh for these wonderful summer nights).  I bought and assembled a fan today, in hopes that it will help me sleep through the night (it's a source of pride...though I have an extra piece that I somehow didn't use - oops!).  I don't even mind that I've had my windows permanently open for the last week.

I had a quiet, simple evening.  Made myself dinner (salmon poached in white wine, find the recipe here), took some pictures on the rooftop, and enjoyed my time alone.  Life has been incredibly busy lately and it was nice just to savor how ordinary and blessed my life is.  I'm incredibly content with the decision I made to live alone.  It may be a bit more expensive, but the experience is worth so much more to me - learning to be completely independent is something I really needed.  Now I must go to sit back on my couch, with the soft light, and It's Complicated on my tiny t.v.

I hope for you all that you feel just as content as I do in this moment.

Dolewhip Heaven

I must give kudos to Yelp, as it led me to discover Whipp'd LA - a place in WeHo that sells soft serve and Hawaiian shaved ice, but most importantly, they offer dole whip!  Getting dole whip is one of my favorite parts of going to Disneyland.  I got really lucky and ended up finding a Groupon for 6 large soft serves or carbolite from Whipp'd - a large can easily feed 3 people!

Considering I did so much running around this weekend, I really didn't take any pictures except for these few at Whipp'd.  I had a fantastic weekend - my friend Allie came up on Friday, and we spent our night at my favorite new place, Rosewood Tavern.  We enjoyed a few beers and had some great girl talk.  The next morning, Prestyn joined us and we tried a sushi place only a couple blocks from my place. IT WAS AMAZING.  If you ever go to Starfish Sushi in the Miracle Mile, you absolutely must get the Superman Burrito Roll.  It's my new favorite roll.  Afterwards, we tried out an independent coffee shop, where I was delighted to find that I could order a pumpkin spice latte in the middle of summer.  Finally, we ended our walk at LACMA, which is fortunately very close to my apartment.  Allie was an art major in college, and served as our person docent, giving us a guided tour.  I really loved it, and got an annual membership - how could I not considering it's a five minute walk from my apartment?

We had a quick rest and then headed out to pick up my friend Franci and headed to the Hollywood Forever Cemetery to see a film noir: Sunset Blvd.  I really loved the movie, and it's always fun pigging out, having a picnic in a unique spot.  We had the best intentions, but after getting back to my place at 11:30, we were far too exhausted to go out, so I ended up showing them my special spot: the roof of my apartment.  They were a bit wary about it, but it's cool to see the view.  The fun didn't end there- today we headed out to Venice Beach which was honestly busier than I've ever seen it in my life!  It's quite the experience, but I was very happy to come home, grab Chipotle with Allie, and spend the rest of the day napping and generally recuperating.

An evening on the rooftop

Do you ever feel like your thoughts get all stuffed up inside and you can't think straight until you get outside?  Alright, even if you don't, the point is that tonight I just wanted to be outside in the quiet.  I don't know what it is about yoga but it makes me feel open, which makes me feel vulnerable and reflective.

I've wanted to take my camera up to the roof for ages (next time, it's happening at sunset) and I finally did it. I'm getting used to doing things alone now, even things such as walking to the store alone at 9:30 at night to grab a bottle of wine and nothing else.  Plus what's a more perfect place to have a glass of wine alone than on the roof on a summer night? (these photos are all un-edited)