Have you ever thought about what you think people would say about you at your funeral? Or rather, what you would like them to? The list of accomplishments condensed into your obituary or the smells and places that people will experience and always think of you?
When I pass, I want people to remember me as many things: kind, dependable, family-oriented, a patient mother and loving wife. Sometimes I get even more specific, which I realize is entirely morbid, but I feel like it helps me with the present. It presents itself as an exercise to reveal my true goals and help me grow. For so long I kept waiting to turn into the person I wanted to be, but for the life of me I don't know what exactly I was waiting for. The time is now.
I sort of do this in the present as well, I wonder if any memories creep into the minds of men I've had some kind of flirtation with. I hope that the song on the radio makes him think of me and smile (because it does for me). These last few months, I've been bringing change in my life. I've been trying to be healthier, calmer, patient, less uptight (this is an especially difficult one). I've spent time trying to appreciate even the briefest of moments with people instead of concentrating on everything we turned out not to be. I can't blame myself when people don't feel the same about me, there is no fault to be given out. However, I can remember how he opened up my heart again, and made me feel that all was not lost - even if it was barely a blip on the radar in someone else's life, it doesn't have to mean the same for me.
I will look back on nights of laughter, kisses, candlelight, and easy conversation, and be happy for the experience. Not everything or everyone is meant to be a milestone. Not every experience is meant to be a lesson. I need to step back and live life instead of analyzing it to death. No more labeling people or putting my expectations on them, just living presently and making memories.
Cheers to a 2013 met with an open heart and mind, a little bit more wisdom, and a whole lot more confidence and spontaneity.