Say a real boy

a sunrise from this week

"I talk, therefore I am"

I feel like my life and I are in fluctuating states of mess and chaos. Some days, I wear this as a badge of honor - as it means that I am also in a constant state of change and newness (two things I'm not the best with). Other times (a great many of times), I wish I could skip to the part where I have most things figured out. The place where the opinions, words, or what I perceive to be how others feel about me, cannot sway me.

As for now, I've developed a new coping mechanism: angry (or angry-ish) music. It's probably not healthy, but for now it works. I'd rather choose to funnel any and all emotions to anger, which as a positive by-product, sometimes leads me to feel empowered. As I've mentioned in the past, I turn nearly every feeling into tears; stress, joy for others, insecurity, and rejection are all culprits. I'm tired of being that girl, one that gets so affected by others and situations I can't control.

I'd rather not believe that someone would make me feel upset in any way intentionally. Even if they did, it shouldn't be my problem either way. Though I know this logically, it doesn't always (or frequently) sink in.

As they say, "youth is wasted on the young." Unfortunately, I'm making this true in my own life. I find myself resenting my lack of life experience. I can't blame my age for much though, my inability to know when to shut up, my propensity to be self-absorbed, and many other faults are all my responsibility and cannot be blamed on my naïveté.