Finishing Last

Some days, the guilt seeps in
Shame for a sadness I feel that I have not earned
I hold on to inferred rejections, faltering in my mission of independence
I allow my failings to burden me -
Instead of leaving each transgression as a lesson,
I repeat the undesirable behavior

I attempt to stave off the cycle
With blame to others
With an addiction to the flattery from sources outside of myself
Yet, a cycle is just that: an inevitable return
A pattern of highs and lows

When I hit the crest, I delude myself
I believe too many good things
Have an abundance of faith in my confidence
I have no need that is not met internally
My desire for your approval wanes until it is sated by self-satisfaction

After an inordinate amount of time in which you lack my affections
A welcomed disruption, you enter once more
And soon enough, I have lost myself again
Stumbling over the eschewals
And eventually falling from the radio silence
I am forced back to the start